2016: My Walk to Remember 

December 30, 2016
bearfacedcow

Everybody dies… but how many people live?

William Wallace (Braveheart)

When I look back at 2016, I really find it hard to say that it was one steaming pile of crap. Yes, I will say that the time between getting the news that Joelle was terminal because the cancer was so aggressive right up to her passing in November were not happy times, they were indeed joyful. Yes, focusing on Joelle’s death can indeed make 2016 look like a pile of suck, but there is one thing we all need to remember about 2016: Joelle lived more in 2016 than most people I know do in their entire life.  

As soon as Joelle discovered that her time here on earth was limited, the first thing that we did was plan a trip to Cuba where we would make our decisions, or more to the point that she would make her decisions and I would stand right beside her, supporting her, right to the end. Every decision was made with a drink in hand. This was blogged in Life’s Moments and Pina Coladas which I wrote sitting by the pool on my BlackBerry. I remember her saying, as we were sitting in a beach chair facing the ocean, “I’m going to live!” This wasn’t a deluded statement meaning that she was suddenly going to be cancer free and we would grow old together. I knew what she meant: she was determined to not take each day she had left for granted. She was determined to squeeze every bit of life out of what was left in that bottle. 

And she did, right up until the day she died. 

Anyone who knew Joelle, knew that Joelle was all about family. She was in Alberta visiting our daughters and grandchildren more times than ever, maximizing every moment she could. She even cashed in her RRSP, and set up what would be her final trip to the mountains with all of our children and grandchildren. She went to Israel to see her family there, and they gave her a party and everyone come to be with her. When Joelle started to get worse and traveling got limited, she held parties here. There were people who traveled to Guelph just to be at her “Celebration of Life” party in July. When the doctors were no longer sure if she would make it to October for that mountain trip, countless people made it possible for her to celebrate what would be her last birthday at Great Wolf Lodge with all of our kids and grandchildren as well as Joelle’s brothers and sister and their families. Joelle wouldn’t back down, after that. She was determined to make it to the mountains for that final time to be with her kids and grandchildren, and that determination paid off. We all went and had a great time there, despite the difficulty for her to travel or even pack a suitcase. 

We also can’t forget our kids and grandchildren that flew out here when Joelle wasn’t able to go out there. Cassidy and I had some great tines this summer going places such as East Side Mario’s and having some quality grandfather –  granddaughter time. Not to mention Connor being here as well as all of Margot’s children. All of them gathered around Joelle this past summer. So there are plenty of joyful moments and Joelle squeezed every moment she could.

Even up to the end, everyone who knows Joelle knows that Joelle was Joelle right up until the final day. She was barking orders at me, even if she couldn’t speak. She was laughing, trying to sing out her love for God which made me melt. Bottom line is that Joelle lived.

So while I am sure that no one would blame me for wanting to watch 2016 become nothing more than a glowing ember, I am not going to say that 2016 sucked. If anything, it was more like one of the tear-jerker movies that Joelle and I would watch and cry over when the main character dies at the end. And I will not deny that there were plenty of great scenes leading up to it. 

The Greatest Gift You Can Give

December 23, 2016
bearfacedcow

For I was hungry, and you gave Me something to eat; I was thirsty, and you gave Me something to drink; I was a stranger, and you invited Me in;  naked, and you clothed Me; I was sick, and you visited Me; I was in prison, and you came to Me.’  Then the righteous will answer Him, ‘Lord, when did we see You hungry, and feed You, or thirsty, and give You something to drink?  And when did we see You a stranger, and invite You in, or naked, and clothe You?  When did we see You sick, or in prison, and come to You?’  The King will answer and say to them, ‘Truly I say to you, to the extent that you did it to one of these brothers of Mine, even the least of them, you did it to Me.’

Matthew 25:35‭-‬40 NASB

For the longest time, I had always wondered that if Christmas is such a joyous holiday, why are there so many people suffering from depression during this time? Unfortunately, I got the answer this year in a way I had never in my life hoped to receive. I found out in the worst way possible. I can go as far as to say that I have been put in those shoes and am living it, and I certainly didn’t believe that life would be like this two years ago. If you’re like me two years ago, just try to imagine the future holiday celebrations without the person or people that you hold extremely close to your heart. In no way am I trying to scare you. I’m just telling you just how uncertain life really is and tomorrow is not guaranteed for everyone. I am obviously not the first person to get the answer the hard way and I unfortunately won’t be the last.

So, now that I managed to hit you with a little bit of holiday pain, with sincere gratitude that you let me, what can you give anyone who is suffering in what is supposed to be a joyous holiday? Not just me. There are plenty others around you if you are willing to look around not with the eyes in your head, but with the eyes of your heart. You might be thinking, “Oh, I’ll just buy them something special.” Well, I hate to tell you this, but that won’t make anyone feel better. You see, that is the way the world wants you to think. “Buy someone a gift and everything will be alright” is one of the biggest lies that Satan could ever unleash upon this world, and yet the world laps it up like a thirsty dog at a water bowl. Commercials everywhere telling people they deserve something for Christmas, whether they buy it for themselves or get it from someone else. And if that doesn’t make you happy, then you need something else because that is guaranteed happiness. Guess what… it isn’t. In fact, stuff doesn’t fill you with happiness. It just makes you more empty, because the more you have, the more you want. Honestly, there is nothing you can get me that I could not get for myself and I wouldn’t be happier if you got it for me than if I bought it.

So where am I going with this? It’s simple, really. There’s only one gift that you can give a suffering person that lets them know you really care: spending time with them. It’s the one thing we treasured most with the person who meant so much to us. We’d give up almost everything for just one more day with them. In a way, I was grateful to receive this gift of knowledge in the last few months with Joelle, knowing that no amount of money or anything else I could offer for that matter would bring her back so it was spend every day I could with Joelle before it was one day too late. And even after she was gone, all of the people who would come and just sit with us while we were in mourning was one of the greatest gifts they could ever give to us. Some of them would try to find the right words only to discover that there are none, and yet we didn’t care because all that mattered was that they were with us. Others would ask if there’s anything they could get you, when all that really mattered was just them sitting with us. Some people made the journey from Waterloo to Toronto just to be with us. Many of them would just sit and listen to us talk. They would listen to me tell story after story about Joelle. That to me was worth more than anything else they had in their hands when they walked in the door. Even at this time, if you came over and you just watched a movie with us, and said nothing during the entire visit, it would mean more than anything else because you were there. Recall that I said in my previous blog post that true love is giving everything you have without any expectations of receiving anything in return. Spending time with someone is telling them that you truly love them because you are giving them everything at that moment knowing that you will never be get that time back.

So, if you are looking to give a suffering person something special for Christmas or Chanukah or whatever you are celebrating, then it is time to get off the social media and get more social. Trade Facebook for face time. More greets than tweets. Stepping out of MySpace and visiting someone else’s space. I’m sure you get the picture by now. Go visit someone and give them the gift of your time. People are suffering this time of year not because they don’t have something. We’re suffering because we don’t have someone. It’s usually that someone who could make our day brighter than the most sunniest of days. They made the celebration that much more joyous. Yes they are deeply and sadly missed, making it real hard to even want to celebrate. However, your time is what helps us through these once joyous, but now difficult to celebrate holidays. It just might help us rediscover the joy of celebrating once more, and give us the strength to face a new season just as those we deeply miss would want us to. It gives hope to those who have lost their hope. And don’t think that you have to do something or say something to make things better. Just being there takes care of all that. And even if you have a hard time seeing their appreciation, believe me, they are very appreciative even if it doesn’t show. 

You might not think that you are giving much, but to those who are suffering you are giving a lot. 

Learning What Love Is and Isn’t 

December 9, 2016
bearfacedcow

Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.


1 Corinthians 13:4‭-‬7 NASB
 

As I face what is clearly about to be the worst days of my life, walking the body of my wife, my best friend, to its final resting place, I am holding on to the love that Joelle and I shared throughout our thirty-six years of knowing each other. I can truly say that it is that love that is the greatest gift in my life and I am so grateful to have experienced this love. 

One never forgets their first crush. When I was eleven years old, I admittedly had a mad crush on a girl, who I will simply call Andie. Despite thinking at the time that I was head over heels over her, Andie told one of my friends that I didn’t know what love is. Being as young as we are, talk about someone who seemed wise well beyond their years. It was true. I really didn’t know what love was at the time, and it has taken me a lifetime so far to figure it out. While there are a lot of things that I my relationship with Joelle taught me what love is, there are also a lot of things that I have learned what love is not. 

I have learned that real and lasting love takes time. In fact, it takes lots of time. Television and movies have us believing that we are able to find true and long lasting love in the course of two hours, if not less. Is it any wonder why the divorce rate is so high? Joelle put a decal on the wall in the front hallway of our house that every one of her wedding clients would see when they first walked into our house. It read:

Love at first sight is easy to explain. The real miracle is when you are able to look at each other the same way after twenty-five years. 

I can say that after all of the years, I didn’t just look at Joelle the same way. I looked at Joelle with far more love than when I first fell for her, and I fell for Joelle far harder than ever. There were a lot of events in our lives. Plenty of great events, such as witnessing the birth of all of our children. Also, plenty of not so great events, and periods of struggle. I stood by Joelle as she was finding herself through her many businesses and eventually standing beside her in one of them. Did we fight? Oh yes! Some were doozies. But the one thing we learned to do was not run away. At the end of the day, we ran to each other. Throughout all of the things we went through, my love for Joelle grew stronger day by data . My love for Joelle was far more than a movie. It was a journey that we shared together.

I know that we shared true love when it got put to the test for the last twenty-one months we would ever be together here on this earth. 

First, with my leg injury rendering me immobile for 10 weeks. I felt so helpless and never found myself depending on someone to take care of me for almost every chore from the simplest such as preparing my meals to the dirtiest such as embarrassing bathroom assistance, Joelle did it and never gave it a second thought. I felt so bad feeling that she had been reduced to doing these duties that I was so dependent on. Joelle just looked at me and said, “for better or for worse”. I could almost feel my heart melt. She even made my first time being able to go out of the house a momentous occasion, driving me down to Hamilton and putting me in a wheelchair and taking me to see Robin Mark in concert and meet him after the show. We even celebrated beforehand by going to The Keg and when they asked if we were celebrating anything, she excitedly said, “we’re celebrating his first time out of the house since his injury”. It made me realize all of the amazing little things she did for me throughout our lives together. Not to mention all of the amazing things she ever did for our children. I could go on and on, but suffice it to say, she went so far out of her way all because of love. She never questioned it and she never walked away no matter how tough the moment got. 

Then the worst happened: her seventeen month long battle with cancer. My heart sank to the pit of my soul. I cried endlessly wondering how the hell could someone so giving and selfless be inflicted with such a punishment? I felt that I deserved it, and not her. With a strong resolve, I swore that I would never leave her side. I would stand beside her in her fight, no matter how tough, not realizing just how tough that battle would be. I went down with her to her first few chemotherapy treatments. Then it got harder. I saw how sick she was getting from all of the poison running through her body. Her two surgeries, one planned and one unplanned, were nothing short of heart wrenching. Late nights at the hospital and traveling home at 3am, because I wanted to know that Joelle would be resting and would be okay before I would make that 100Km trip. In time, the duties increased because of the surgeries and chemotherapy. I had to start learning new duties as I promised her that I would be her caregiver and take care of her no matter what. I started realizing what love was all about. Real love is giving without any expectation of receiving anything in return. It was that same giving that Joelle gave to me when I was helpless. I found myself doing wanting to do anything for her so willingly and without any notion to question or complain about what needed to be done. I gladly took on more and more as I saw Joelle was able to do less and less. I remember her crying, apologizing for putting me through this and I kissed her and said “for better or worse”.

“For better or worse” became a familiar phrase that I held in my heart. While I hoped deep inside that things would get better, reality was that things were getting worse. Yet, the worse things got, the more I wanted to ensure that she would be happy and comfortable. Despite feeling overwhelmed and starting to need a bit of respite time, I didn’t really feel like my needs mattered because I would eventually be faced with all of the free time that I never wanted. I wanted to have as much time with her and be the husband I wanted to be. I felt that this was my last chance. At this point, love meant being sacrificial. It boiled down to what I was willing to give up for the woman I truly loved. Personal music time had to be put aside along with changing a few routines. I used every vacation day from work to spend as much time as I could with Joelle. Even in the face of a company policy change of turning one of our Christmas break days into an unpaid day unless we applied a vacation day to it, I chose to use that day for spending with Joelle, because a day with Joelle was far more valuable than a day’s pay and I would totally regret trying to cut my time with her in order to save some money. If anything, I wanted to be with her as she celebrated what would be her final set of goals, regardless of what it would cost. 

True love isn’t about butterflies and fairy tales. True love is sharing both life’s triumphs and trials. True love is unconditional love even when the one you love feels unloveable. True love is about the willingness to stand beside the ones that you love as they suffer and suffer with them. It is about giving them everything and expecting nothing. It is about doing the jobs you swore you’d never do, and not give it a second thought. It is about never leaving their side no matter how tough the battle ahead is. It is about walking with them, and possibly carrying them, right to the end, even if it means carrying the pain of knowing that you will never be able to look at their face, other than a picture, or hear their voice outside of a recording, or feel a daily 20 second hug. Love is keeping the promises you made, even if you secretly hoped you wouldn’t have to. And anyone that believes that love doesn’t hurt has never fully experienced the feeling of their heart being ripped in two as they say their final goodbye, or the empty void that was once filled with their presence that lit up even the darkest places of your heart. If you think all of the above sounds like a lot of pain, think again. It is the most beautiful experience one could ever have. 

So yes, I learned what love is. I experienced love in its truest form and I am grateful to God for it. My love experienced with Joelle had taught me how God must have felt when Jesus died on the cross. Not to mention how much God loved me enough to sacrifice His Son on the cross. To me, it is a love so beautiful and probably only happens once in a lifetime. However, if you ask if I would ever go through everything that I went through all over again in the name of true love, I probably would because true love is worth it all.  

What do I ask for?

August 10, 2016
bearfacedcow

… You do not have because you do not ask. You ask and do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, so that you may spend it on your pleasures.

–James 4:2‭-‬3 NASB

I will be the first to admit that this passage in Scripture troubles me. There are verses in Scripture tthat tell us to ask and if we don’t, we don’t get. Even here, it says that if we didn’t get, it is because we didn’t ask. But, it is also wrong to ask with selfish motives. This is what troubles me? What do I ask for?

I have seen Joelle suffer with cancer for well over a year. I also see that her battle with cancer looks like a losing battle. At least, it does to my eyes, as I hear almost every month that the disease has invaded new areas of her body, causing excruciating pain, and it is ever so difficult and emotionally painful to see someone as beautiful as Joelle having to go through all of this suffering. And when I say beautiful, I am talking about her inner beauty which far outshines her out beauty, and she is beautiful on the outside. During her suffering, I have not only seen her witness the saving grace of Jesus, but I have seen her, in all her pain, lead people to Jesus to be saved. Talk about an amazing person that Joelle is. I have so much trouble doing stuff like that in a somewhat healthy state, but it almost looks effortless to my eyes that Joelle can do this, despite all of the pain and suffering that she is going through. 

It totally makes me wonder what is wrong with me? With everything in my life that has led to my encounter with Christ, including all of the signposts and my Road to Damascus encounter up to today’s witnessing of God’s grace through Joelle’s pain and suffering, have I not yet gotten the message? Am I begging for Jesus to rescue me, when even throughout Joelle’s suffering, He has rescued her? Am I not believing that I am also being rescued? Or have I somehow locked Jesus out of my heart because of everything that I have done leading up to this, and I am desperately trying to pull Jesus into my heart through the keyhole of a locked door? I could ask if I let my heart become stone towards God over this, but if that were the case, would I be trying so desperately to seek Jesus? So, it can’t be that. There’s no doubt in my mind that I want Jesus in my life. And, only a fool in his heart believes that there is no God. I am not that fool. With everything that I have seen in all of my living years, there is absolutely no doubt that God exists. 

So once again, that leads me to the question of what do I ask God for? It’s hard to know what to ask for because I don’t know if what I am asking for is for my own selfish gain or is glorifying God. I know very well that God is not some spiritually cosmic vending machine. There is no name it and claim it gospel. Just asking God to heal Joelle from cancer is a loaded request in itself. Am I asking this for the glory of God? Or, am I asking because I hate seeing her suffer, which I really do? While the latter reason sounds somewhat noble, it is also selfish. Yes, I hurt watching her go through all of this. It feels like my heart is torn into pieces. Honestly, I could not recall a time when I have been so upset. But, could it be possible that I am asking God to end my suffering instead of Joelle’s. Am I thinking of her or am I just thinking about myself? Like I said, Joelle has doing God’s wonderful work out of her suffering and what have I ever done? I’m starting to think that everything that I ever did up until now has been for myself. How much of God’s work has come from my own torment? So, am I asking God for His own sake, Joelle’s, or my own? I really have to search my heart on this one to know what I am asking for. 

It pretty much leaves me wondering what to ask for. I have hope as described in Romans 5:3-5 and Romans 8:28, but sometimes knowing what I should be hoping for is elusive. I have faith in God and I know in my heart that Jesus does love me. I also believe that God does work miracles, but as I said before, God is not a vending machine. His miracles are for His glory and not for our satisfaction. Perhaps some wisdom, encouragement, along with some strength could be a start. 

Rediscovering life in my guitar

July 2, 2016
bearfacedcow

It’s not the gift, but what you do with it …

— Joelle Chilcott 

Great words from a beautiful woman. It’s one of the main reasons she lets me have music time. She’s been one of my biggest fans ever since we were teenagers. Every note that I play is dedicated to her. Even the songs I write to Jesus, I think that God lets me share them with Joelle because He knows just how much I love her. Its also one of the reasons why she lets me get musical instruments and equipment. She seems to like to see what kind of music I will make from it. 

This year, Joelle gave me a really special birthday present. I could be shallow and say that it is a multi-effects guitar processor, but the real gift that she gave me was far beyond the processor itself. What she really gave me was the gift of hearing my guitars for the first time in a long time in a way that I have been longing to hear them. It reminds of my first combo tube amp. It was a black Traynor 50 watt combo amp that was so full of life. I felt like I lost that feeling when I foolishly got rid of it. And now, it’s like I am feeling that life once again. Feeling those vital signs of life between the guitar and my fingers that is beyond what the ears pick up. It’s what the inner senses pick up the moments you play. It’s the kind of life that keeps me up all night playing with excitement. And at my age, and with our current situation, it takes a lot to get me to be able to play all night long. This is the real gift. 

This gift has given me a renewed desire to reinvent myself when it comes to playing guitar. For years, I feel like I have just been relying more on my computer and plug-ins to make certain guitar sounds, and I definitely don’t get it from a solid-state amp. Sure, the main source of the guitar sounds came from my POD. However, there was a point where I was wondering if I was playing through the POD, or if the POD was playing through me. You may be wondering where I am going with this. Not knocking down the PODHD500 as it was an amazing device, and the sound coming from it is phenomenal. However, many will agree with me that this is where it ends: the sound. Again, you probably think I am just rambling, and I probably am since this is my blog. However, what mean is that it has the sound, but it stops short of the feel. To me, playing guitar is more than just how it sounds. It’s about how it feels, just like I tried to describe it above. And with that new life comes a new desire to react and interact with my playing. It sings when I play it soft and it screams when I hit it hard. I think that is the thing that keeps me playing all night. I was doing everything from fingerpicking notes to whole chukka-chukka-wukka-wukka thang. 

This need to feel is affecting the music I am writing as well. I find myself using a little less distortion in order to let that feel of the guitar come through. Am I becoming a guitar romantic? Perhaps. Now that I feel like I have discovered life in my guitar all over again, I want to grab it with both hands and squeeze as much out of it. 

I’d rather be the rabbit

May 23, 2016
bearfacedcow

image

Come now, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go to such and such a city, and spend a year there and engage in business and make a profit.” Yet you do not know what your life will be like tomorrow. You are just a vapor that appears for a little while and then vanishes away. Instead, you ought to say, “If the Lord wills, we will live and also do this or that.”
James 4:13‭-‬15 NASB
http://bible.com/100/jas.4.13-15.NASB

Rabbits run around and live for 8 years.
Tortoises do nothing and live 150 years.
Lesson learned… I WANT TO BE THE RABBIT!!

Why do I want to be the rabbit?

That’s simple. The rabbit, while at first glance doesn’t appear to live that long, has a better quality of life. The tortoise is just existing. I’ve tried living the life of the tortoise. It’s not as fun as it seems. Other than going to work to do the obligatory, it would seem that after coming home, I would just sit around and wait. I’m almost wondering what I was waiting for. Was I waiting for the next great and wonderful thing to come my way? You know,  that wonderful thing that is supposed to be so fantastic, that it never comes. And yet we sit there waiting. And I’m not even talking about doing something while I’m waiting. I mean just sitting there doing nothing but wait. Or, am I just waiting for the promise of tomorrow? A promise that is never kept because tomorrow never really comes.

All things considered, I’m tired of the broken promise of tomorrow or the great thing that isn’t. I have life happening right now. I want to experience that type of life even to the point of if I die experiencing it. Let’s face it. There is no promise of tomorrow. Heck, the next five minutes have no guarantees either. So, why should I be under the delusion that a long life is the key? Funny how the argument to this is that if I live longer, I can do more. So really, what you’re saying is that you can do more if you live longer, but you are alive right now and you are doing nothing? How contradictory is that? How is what you are doing called living? It’s not. I’ve been there.

I don’t know how much longer I have on this world. I could be blessed with the number of years a rabbit has, or I could have a third of a tortoises life to live out. Only God knows. He’s keeping count of those years. Here’s what I do know, however. I’m going to live those years pushing myself as hard as I can. I intend to push myself mentally, pushing my mind into new limits and capabilities learning. I love to learn. It seems to keep me feeling childlike in thought. I also intend to push myself physically. I intend to push my body beyond boundaries. I intend to surpass the limitations that seemed to be holding me back. I will discover the strength that I truly possess. In mind and body, it will be about giving that much more when I have nothing left. It will be about reaching out to Jesus to have the Father fill me with the kind of strength that can only come from God. And if I die in the process, I am happy that I will have died doing what I set out to do and never backed down. There’s a Klingon proverb that goes, it is better to die in battle than to live in shame. For me, the shame is not doing what I have set out to do.

Nick Menza was the the drummer for Megadeth on their Rust in Peace album. He died on stage of heart failure, at the age of 51. I just had my 53rd birthday. Yeah, I am sort of sad that someone like him passed away so young. Does his death scare me because we are so close in age? Not in the least. Nick died doing what he loved. He died sitting at the drum kit rocking his heart out. I’m willing to bet that he died happy. Yeah, he died. But, you know what? He also lived. I want to live. I want to die while in the act of being alive.

I want to be that rabbit.

Life’s moments and Pina Coladas

April 28, 2016
bearfacedcow

image

So teach us to number our days, That we may present to You a heart of wisdom.
— Psalm 90:12

Joelle and I are wrapping up our week long getaway to Cuba to cover off all of the heavy decisions that we need to make for the next twelve months, given that this may be all the time left for Joelle and I to be together. Of course, God has made the final decision long ago as to the numbering of our days and for all we know, it could be longer. Or, it could also be shorter. And we’re only talking about Joelle. Who’s to say that I wouldn’t get stung by a jellyfish and drop dead at the beach before we even make it to the plane? Bottom line is that we have no idea as to how much time we have to live. The doctors told Joelle that they felt that they were generous telling her that she had twelve months to live. Only God, in my opinion, has the ability to turn twelve months into twelve years… or even more. And I am not going to be foolish to say if it is God’s will. If God turns months into years, isn’t it safe to say that He had already determined this? Only God can say to the doctor, “No! You are wrong. I have already determined that she is going to live this long. Not a day more and not a day less.”

However, the determination from the doctor has done one thing. If it is indeed true, and let’s face it, God uses doctors in His purpose, that Joelle has twelve months to live, then this is what we have determined to do: LIVE! We are down in Cuba making the decisions about what needs to be done once Joelle is no longer able to function. We are covering off everything including what would happen when I die. We’re making every painful decision that we can think of down here in paradise. And every time, I am toasting these decisions with a Pina Colada. Don’t worry, my church going friends and pastors: many of them have been alcohol free. The point is not the alcohol anyway. It’s more like the sweetness symbolic of the relief that follows the bitterness of having to make such decisions in the first place. It’s the reminder that we have made the decisions and now it is time to live.

It’s been said many times: live each day like it is your last. Even Jesus said that worrying about tomorrow doesn’t add a minute to today. God knows how long we have on this earth. God knows when it is time to come home. Does it make us think? It should! Does it make us lament over the time we have left? It should not! Sure, Joelle and I had plenty of dreams of growing old together and yes the news from the doctor makes me cry and sometimes go “it’s not fair”. But, aside from the fact that nothing is of our own design, God knows the full truth to our existence and has numbered all of our days. It could be less and it could be more. We don’t know. And since we don’t know, we should just live in this moment because it is the only moment we have.

And in this moment that I have been writing this, there is a tall cantina of Pina Colada poolside waiting for me. Time to live this moment with this cantina.

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