Empty Return

I got home from Alberta on Wednesday and I have never felt more empty. I felt like Joelle and I came home to nothing. This is starting to convince me that our lives are no longer in Ontario. We knew that one day we would move out west to be with our daughters and their children. I just expect to be as driven as I am now. It feels like nothing else really matters. It almost feels as if nothing is keeping me here and is making the decision easy.

It’s funny because I know that my current job at BlackBerry has been nothing short of an exercise in faith. I am always of the belief that God brought me there and kept me going there in the hard times. However, I am starting to think that God did this for one reason: to show me how much He loves me and takes care of me. It’s not about the job or me. It’s about God and nothing more. And if God is starting to pull my heart out west, then His direction is best. Not to mention that everything that I have been seeking in this job doesn’t seem to be for God’s glory. It seems to be for my own glory. I remember being angry about not getting promoted to senior developer even though I believe that I deserved it. If anything, I am just about giving up on that because I don’t believe that it is in God’s plan. And with the wanting to go out west to be with my children out there, it’s starting to feel like there’s nothing holding me back here. In fact, things like my job make it even easier to break away.

Of course, if HR were to read this post in my blog, the flight risk alarm would be sounding in their heads. All I can say is that it is not happening all that soon. Something like this takes time and planning. Joelle and I have started to put together a five-year plan to get things into place for moving forward. The circumstances for going sooner would be if things like my job were indeed threatened, or if the doctors determined that there is nothing more they can do for her. The latter would be a far greater reason, as I would want her to spend as many days with her daughters and grandchildren out there as she could. I would never want to rob her of that. As far as I go, I am in God’s hands and whatever happens is up to Him. All I know right now is that there is nothing here.

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