I don’t know if it’s everything that has happened today, but I am really starting to wonder if I really made the right move by leaving Trapeze. Yes, I know that the hours and the pay are better and I get home at a saner hour and even wake up a little later, but I feel something missing that I got from Trapeze. It’s hard to ignore this. Not to mention that I think that my timesheet got pissed around with, which means that my money will get pissed around with. It’s not so much that I have bills and stuff to take care of. It’s more of a case that I feel like I am trying to do the responsible thing and I am getting messed around with. I never got messed around with in a manner like this at Trapeze.
I felt useful there. Hell, I even felt a degree of respect there. I’m feeling almost lost here, and I don’t know if I’m being being played around with. I’ve been itching for a chance to get my hands dirty and it hasn’t happened. If anything, I was in from the get-go with Trapeze. Heck, part of the stuff I was privileged to be a part of won an award, for the first time. I never got to be a part of something like that in the past.
Is it too early? Or, am I feeling something legit. Thing is, I have to remain committed to this decision and give it some time. Even more so, I’m not going to go crawling back to Trapeze. I do have some pride to consider, especially since in the end that despite the respect I got from them, I didn’t feel valuable enough to fight for.
So, where do I go from here?
Today has already started off to be great freakin’ day with the devil just hammering at my buttons trying to find the one that makes me explode.
To start off, I can’t seem to get out the door no matter how early I wake up in the morning. Can’t find the pattern there and break it. Traffic pile-ups between Milton and Toronto… courtesy of the Ontario Ministry of Transportation (they are the most primitive agency… heck, they should get the dudes to run the 407 to manage our highways – they get it!!). And, the cherry on my sundae is a scum-sucking brainless twit in a blue Ford F-150 that just decides to cut me off and almost wanting to get into an accident. The butt-head probably got his license out of a cereal box! He has the brains of a dead cow… and that’s an insult to the dead cow.
And to think… my day has only begun! I’m gonna be in such a fantastic mood when I go pick up Joelle from the airport… and worse of all, she doesn’t deserve to be at the end of my acid tongue. So much for today!
This weekend I scored big while going out for lunch with Josh. We decided to take a walk around the mall, and I decided to take a walk into HMV and just browse just for the sake of browsing. To my surprise, as I was having a look at the blues section, I found the complete recordings of Robert Johnson that he did back in the late 20’s and early 30’s. I felt like I was playing the of part of Ralph Macchio’s role in Crossroads, except for the fact that I have a lot more than 12 songs. In fact, there were 41 recordings in this collection, full of alternate takes and such. Now, I have something to go along with the Robert Johnson guitar video that I found not too long ago.
If anything, I’m going to give my ears a treat and listen to this stuff today. I’m hoping that when we go down to Florida this year, I manage to find a bunch more stuff like this, such as Son House, and a few others. Plus, I am going to find the guitar stores down there in hopes that I find some more guitar videos teaching the styles of Rev. Gary Davis, Lightning Hopkins, Mance Lipscombe and others like them.
Today, my 13-year old son discovered that I was a teenage alcoholic and drug user, and he seems to think that it is the cause of his troublemaking. I spent half the night painfully recapping everything that went on in my childhood starting from finding my father collapsed over a dresser in his bedroom all purple, only to have him die that night. And that was only the beginning. It got worse when my mother re-married and found I had a step-dad who ignored me, unless I turned my guitars up.
I had to go through all of this with Josh, and tell him that the only reason I did those things was not to feel good, but to stop feeling bad. I also told him that booze and drugs only make things worse as well. A lot more things go tangled in my life as I took more booze and more drugs. He also discovered that I had several suicide attempts as a kid, but was totally glad that I was unsuccessful. After all, he wouldn’t be there being totally glad. Neither would have his brothers and sisters.
It was hard to deal with Josh’s older brothers and sisters when they were young, only because I had no idea what a father figure was supposed to be back then. I managed to figure things out a lot better these days after being saved and discovering, or should I say re-discovering, God and how he cares for us, and how we should care for our kids in a similar manner. I do find that I want to be a better father to Josh than I was to his siblings. I also know that the window of opportunity is still there, and I need to grab it while I can.
Although I find I’m better than I used to be, sometimes, going back gives me some degree of pain. And I don’t feel like re-living it anymore. I’m hoping that this will be the last time I ever have to go through it with Josh. Plus, I’m hoping that he realizes what he goes through has nothing to do with what I went through. After all, at this point, he still has both of his parents around that love him very much and are there for him in every way they can be.
Those that have been following my life, or reading up on my FaceBook profile, and are aware of my freak knee accident that occurred demonstrating a weapon (the Bo) to a group of orange belts, and got further debilitated by unknowingly altering my walking habits, weakening my entire left leg, may be happy to know that I scored a tiny victory over this injury this week.
In a way, I have been doing my own form of “physio” on my leg by not only exercising it out on a bike, but also doing some strength training on an bow-flex unit. When I started, my left leg could barely handle 40lbs of resistance and I had a top pedalling speed of 16Km/hr. This week, I am pleased to report that my left leg can almost comfortably handle 50lbs of resistance and I have achieved an average pedalling speed of 26Km/hr. As well, I have been working out the rest of my body on the bow-flex and have not only felt my energy level increasing, but I have also dropped 7lbs.
If anything, it has been a huge step this week, and is just one little victory. To celebrate, I have upped my resistance all over by 10-20lbs, depending on the exercise, and I am ready to start the process over again. I realize that I have a long way to go with my leg, but that’s okay. I’m considering this a long-term investment!
I am looking forward to the next little victory. Believe and achieve!!
If anything, I’m posting this more as a reminder than a blog because everytime I have to go to the bathroom, my cell phone goes off. It just makes me wonder who has that impeccable timing when I’m “taking The Browns to the SuperBowl”. I can’t call them inconsiderate, because they don’t know that I am currently indisposed and I didn’t make any effort to send that message, either by turning off my phone or leaving it locked in my bag.
Or, better yet, why don’t I simply answer the phone and try to hold a conversation in the middle of my “symphonic movement”? I’m sure that the it would not only prove to be amusing as I try to express some words such as “Philadephia” or “Boston” (practice these words in the middle of your chore), but I’m sure that the caller on the other will start thinking twice as to whether it may be a good idea to give me a call.
Until then, it’s time to start taking some cell phone measures before going to the white room. 🙂
I have a nickname for Tuesdays. I call ’em “It happens Tuesdays!”, or a little stronger language, depending on the severity of it all. Things always happen on a Tuesday, or so it seems, more than any other day for me, and it seems to be a very noticeable pattern. Stuff of this nature happening on any other day, seem to be more of a freak occurrence than anything else. I am starting to think that it often tests my faith, and it puts me through various events with the same lesson.
Today is no different…
Driving in this morning, the 401 was backed up from Wellington County and I thought that it was going to be yet another slow day coming into work. Sure enough, about 15 minutes later, I wound up at the cause of the back-up, which was an accident on the westbound 401 involving a white Grand Prix and Transport Trailer carrying a full load of cars. The car was t-boned by the truck, and I am certainly inclined to believe that the car was at fault. My best guess is that the drive believed it could outrun the truck and cut in its lane… and miscalculated. As much as I hate to say it, but I felt that the truck driver did the only thing he could: hit the car. A jack-knife could have thrown the vehicles it was transporting onto the highway causing more chaos.
Sure enough, I was thanking the driver of the car for his totally selfish move causing traffic stoppage in both directions. Even more so, I believed that it was going to be a day to take the 407 in, so I dug out my transponder and thought to myself, it would take a God to get me to Mississauga by 7:30’ish and even that seems impossible to do.
Shows how much I know. It’s as if God went, “I heard that… just watch!”, and cleared the traffic all the way up to Mississauga Road. I got there at 7:34am. I even got here 10 minutes earlier than I normally do. God is hopefully smiling at me going “Oh ye of little faith!”, because when I think of how I challenged God in that manner, I saw myself as having little faith. I’m just glad to have a God that is more than willing to roll up His sleeves for me just to show in His own little ways, and they are little to Him, He is God!